The next few weeks it was the same more yelling, tossing and turning. While he was over there he wrote home about how much that he was ready to be a daddy and I was excited to hear that! I was ready to be a mommy! While I was telling family and friends they said he was bit by the baby bug. I think a lot of guys in the same platoon was also.
He came home in August form Iraq and by September I was pregnant! We were very excited and nervous! We took the classes on base one was Baby Boot Camp which was just like a lamaze class just military style! We also wen to Budgeting for Baby which we learned how much we should start saving so when our little ones was here we would have enough for diapers and all other baby needs. While all this was going on he was also trying to decide if he was going to get out or stay in.
In January 2004 I moved back to Texas with my daddy since our little was going to be here in June 2004! I came back to find a new OB and find a hospital to have the baby at. We talked almost everyday while he was not on duty. One of his good buddies moved in with him so that they both would have someone to talk to and share the rent. It was very expensive to live in Cali.
He got out in May 2004 and came home to Texas. I knew that there was something off about him but at the time I had no idea what PTSD was. While he was home he turned to alcohol to drowned out off the memories and flashbacks from Iraq. It was only a couple more weeks for our little girl was going to be born and he was drinking heavily. I sat down with him and we talked about his drinking. Not only was he drinking to drowned out the memories but also he just wanted to be numb for a while. Alcohol was just a quick fix and was never long term. We talked about him stopping or at least slowing down. I understood why he was drinking and wanted to feel numb. They all saw and done things that no of us will ever do or see.
He did go to college and got a good job. When I mentioned the anything about getting help from the VA. He would say that he doesn't need it and he is just fine. I knew that he was not fine.He would always change the subject but I knew that he was just to ask. Plus he is a Marine they don't ever ask for help. right?..wrong.
In 2008 we had our second baby which was a boy on my husband's birthday. He finally decided that he would go to the VA for help. He went to the counseling sessions but it was a joke. He brought home a notebook and he had to fill out worksheets. He started to take a pill once a day that seem to be helping him. The fighting between us had started going away and we were getting closer again. Well about as close as you can get with someone with PTSD. If you have a husband or if you are a vet with PTSD then you know it is hard to get close to someone.
In 2009 welcomed our third baby she was born the day after his birthday. We were having a discussion about something later on in the year and something happened and he snapped. We both started yelling, it got physical and then he took off his wedding ring and said it was over. He walked out of the house got in our car and left. He was gone for 3 hours. I didn't know where he was or what he was doing. All I do was figure out what set him off. Dose he have a new trigger? What did I miss? I didn't know what to do but my 2 major concerns were him and out babies. Also how do I keep our family together? How would I pay the bills if he really did leave? I didn't have a job at the time. When he did come back home he was very clam and different in a good way. I came to realize that him leaving was a good thing.It gave him time to clam down and think. I asked him what it was like when he just goes off? He said "It feels like I stepped out of my body and I am watching a horror movie. I loose control over everything and I can't help myself.". I know that sounds scary and it is for both of us. We have had some pretty ugly and physical fights and I always felt alone. I didn't have anyone to turn to. I didn't want anyone to think that I was crazy for staying with him and since no one understood PTSD. Then how would they understand what I was going through. The only person was my daddy. He passed away in November 2007. He was always there for me. My husband also talked to him about things that were going on with him. My daddy was just the type of great guy who was always there for everyone. I think that not only did it effect me when my daddy passed aways but my husband also since he talked to him.
Now when we fight was holding it all in when anyone would ask if I was ok and I would say yes just fine. When inside I was dying to talk to someone about everything going on. Now I have talked to his mom and dad about it. At first my husband was upset with me about talking to them but now he understand that they love and care about him. Everyone just wants to help him out.
When you are fighting and you love one goes to that dark, dark place. Always know that they do love you and be there for them it doesn't matter what is done or said! They need you always! After the fight is over and you both clam down talk to each other. If you love each other this is very important if want to stay together! Trust me it dose help!
We live out toward the country and I don't have have anyone that is going through this like me. My only outlets are social networks and e-mailing other wives. I do have some friends that are great listeners. I am so tired of holding on to this all by myself. I feel like I am going to explode and I know that God wants me to be a voice for everyone who feels alone! I am here! I am a Marine Grunt Wife who has been through Hell and survived! We are a family dealing with PTSD and we love each other very much! Living with PTSD and having a family can be done! We are proof!
No comments:
Post a Comment