I haven't posted for awhile. Life has been going by way too fast. I know I am not the only one out there who feels alone and doesn't know what to do sometimes. I have been thinking a lot lately that there are a lot of things that people who are not suffering with ptsd enjoy. It is hard to go out to different activities. I need to make sure that there will not be any loud noises and not a huge crowd of people. Other wives don't worry about things like that. They don't have to worry will a popping sound from a carnival game will send their husband somewhere. Will he start to have flashbacks while we are out? Will he have nightmare that night? Will he start yelling for everyone to get down? Will he just zone out and just be quite? Will try to build a foxhole out of the pillow and blankets in the bed? He will think he is back in Iraq.
I always see on Facebook how people are going out with their husband to bars, clubs or concerts. It seems really nice and then I think about what that could do to my husband. The going out to those places wouldn't workout great for us. I can say that sometimes I wish that he didn't have ptsd then we could go out to those places. Then I feel like I am being selfish.
It has been been almost 11 years since he was in Iraq. Some days it feels like yesterday. I know that there is not a cure for ptsd. I just hope that the Veterans and troops that have ptsd are coping well. I have seen my husband at his lowest and highest with coping with ptsd. We are on the ptsd roller coaster and I know we are not alone. I just wish there was help out there for our veterans who have ptsd! They seem like they are the forgotten ones! I hope the families are coping well too. As always Semper Fi!
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Friday, March 30, 2012
What to do......
Have you ever wondered why you are put on the earth? Well I have and I think I know my answer now. As I was growing up and all throughout school I want to be a 2nd grade teacher! I did everything like I was suppose to was in co-op in high school working at an elementary school and I was one of the first people to graduate from San Jac with an Associates in Teaching (it took me a while but I got it)!
Then life happened my husband was sent off to war! After he cam back from over there we were apart of the after war baby boom and had our first baby girl in 2004! After that I decided to get ready to transfer to an university but that didn't pan out. I feel like this my be what I am supposed to do get the word out about PTSD and let people know that there is someone out there that is going through it! You can have a great life with your husband even though he has PTSD!
I knew that my husband would be different but I guess it is hard to imagine how different if you don't see it first hand. He saw and did things that no one should ever see and do! As our life grew together and we had to learn about each other all over again. I began to wonder if we would ever have the same kind of love that we had for each other before we went. I found out that we do have the same love but there are some things different! Our love for each other grows stronger everyday! Thanks to GOD for showing us that we could still be together and love each other with PTSD in our lives. I say our because we are both dealing with it. I never wanted him to deal with it alone and he knew from the moment that he got back that I would never leave his side!
I have been reading books and articles about how many wives just up and leave their husbands because of PTSD. I think with the right information and support they could get a better understanding of what PTSD is and they could help instead of leaving. Trust me it is not an easy road or a short road to helping my husband. We have truly had our high day and very, very low days. I just look at him and know that this is who he is now and the person who he was before the war is in there somewhere.
Support for the wives is great when they are on active duty but when they are not on active duty there is nothing. It is like they are telling you okay now you deal with it. We will not give you any education and there will not support groups that we will help you find. I have contacted the VA and there is a hot line to call and that is it. I need more than a hot line. I need to connect with someone who is living what we live everyday! There are some of my husband's buddies online and they are married and I have talked to them. It is just hard because I don't want to tell people my story and then they look at me like I am crazy or nuts!
Life has to go on but I just take it day by day! My life is not easy but I have a husband who loves me and three beautiful blessings that GOD gave to us! WIth GOD by my side anything is possible!!
Then life happened my husband was sent off to war! After he cam back from over there we were apart of the after war baby boom and had our first baby girl in 2004! After that I decided to get ready to transfer to an university but that didn't pan out. I feel like this my be what I am supposed to do get the word out about PTSD and let people know that there is someone out there that is going through it! You can have a great life with your husband even though he has PTSD!
I knew that my husband would be different but I guess it is hard to imagine how different if you don't see it first hand. He saw and did things that no one should ever see and do! As our life grew together and we had to learn about each other all over again. I began to wonder if we would ever have the same kind of love that we had for each other before we went. I found out that we do have the same love but there are some things different! Our love for each other grows stronger everyday! Thanks to GOD for showing us that we could still be together and love each other with PTSD in our lives. I say our because we are both dealing with it. I never wanted him to deal with it alone and he knew from the moment that he got back that I would never leave his side!
I have been reading books and articles about how many wives just up and leave their husbands because of PTSD. I think with the right information and support they could get a better understanding of what PTSD is and they could help instead of leaving. Trust me it is not an easy road or a short road to helping my husband. We have truly had our high day and very, very low days. I just look at him and know that this is who he is now and the person who he was before the war is in there somewhere.
Support for the wives is great when they are on active duty but when they are not on active duty there is nothing. It is like they are telling you okay now you deal with it. We will not give you any education and there will not support groups that we will help you find. I have contacted the VA and there is a hot line to call and that is it. I need more than a hot line. I need to connect with someone who is living what we live everyday! There are some of my husband's buddies online and they are married and I have talked to them. It is just hard because I don't want to tell people my story and then they look at me like I am crazy or nuts!
Life has to go on but I just take it day by day! My life is not easy but I have a husband who loves me and three beautiful blessings that GOD gave to us! WIth GOD by my side anything is possible!!
Friday, June 24, 2011
One day at a time!
As a wife of a Combat Veteran PTSD wife, girlfriend, family or friends you just have to take life day by day! You really can't tell what the future will hold. Some days I wake up and think it is going to be a great day! Then sometimes it only takes one little thing to turn that great day into a really bad day in the blink of an eye. Even though we have been through so much since he has been back I have never ever given up on him or us! I think that is the most important thing that the Veteran needs to know that you are always on their side no matter what! There has been plenty of times when I think to myself that I just can't go on anymore dealing with his PTSD. Then I think what would happen our family. I want to be the great wife but sometimes life can be too much dealing with PTSD.
Then I think to myself that I am complaining and I want to know what is wrong with me? I have nothing to complain about he was the one fighting for our freedom and was at war. I know that he was in Iraq fighting but I was here in Texas dealing my own war. I saw all of the people that didn't support the troops and they made sure everyone knew that. I saw signs that said they hope that all of the US Troops are killed and do not make it back home. As an American, Marine Wife, Human Being I couldn't believe that they were saying and putting this on signs. It made me sick to think that my husband and all of the Troops where fighting for people to act like this. It took everything that I had to keep my mouth shut most of the time. If you didn't support the President fine but not supporting the Brave Troops then that is another thing. The troops were over there doing their duty what they signed up to do.
Now that it has been almost 10 years since the war started it seems like everyone forgets about the troops that came home. No one talks about Combat PTSD and you will never hear about it since it is something that you can't see. You can see someone who lost an arm or leg but you are not sure if someone has combat PTSD unless you talk to them. I am not saying that the Troops who have lost a limb are any less than my husband but I just was just comparing what people can see. There are Troops that come home and instead of having someone they can go to they kill themselves. All Combat Veterans are IMPORTANT not just the ones who come back with something wrong!
I have asked my husband what I can do for him? He just wants me to listen to him and sometimes he just needs to know how much I love him. I tell him each day how much I love him, that he is a blessing to me, he is a great daddy to our babies and that I will always be here for him! I try to never make him feel like he is doing a bad job as my husband or daddy. I know that fights do happen and they are no fun. My love for him is always there and I know that we can make it through anything!
Life is hard but loving someone with Combat PTSD is harder! With God, Family and Friends on my side I am going to be alright!
God Bless you and your Family!
~Semper Fi~
Then I think to myself that I am complaining and I want to know what is wrong with me? I have nothing to complain about he was the one fighting for our freedom and was at war. I know that he was in Iraq fighting but I was here in Texas dealing my own war. I saw all of the people that didn't support the troops and they made sure everyone knew that. I saw signs that said they hope that all of the US Troops are killed and do not make it back home. As an American, Marine Wife, Human Being I couldn't believe that they were saying and putting this on signs. It made me sick to think that my husband and all of the Troops where fighting for people to act like this. It took everything that I had to keep my mouth shut most of the time. If you didn't support the President fine but not supporting the Brave Troops then that is another thing. The troops were over there doing their duty what they signed up to do.
Now that it has been almost 10 years since the war started it seems like everyone forgets about the troops that came home. No one talks about Combat PTSD and you will never hear about it since it is something that you can't see. You can see someone who lost an arm or leg but you are not sure if someone has combat PTSD unless you talk to them. I am not saying that the Troops who have lost a limb are any less than my husband but I just was just comparing what people can see. There are Troops that come home and instead of having someone they can go to they kill themselves. All Combat Veterans are IMPORTANT not just the ones who come back with something wrong!
I have asked my husband what I can do for him? He just wants me to listen to him and sometimes he just needs to know how much I love him. I tell him each day how much I love him, that he is a blessing to me, he is a great daddy to our babies and that I will always be here for him! I try to never make him feel like he is doing a bad job as my husband or daddy. I know that fights do happen and they are no fun. My love for him is always there and I know that we can make it through anything!
Life is hard but loving someone with Combat PTSD is harder! With God, Family and Friends on my side I am going to be alright!
God Bless you and your Family!
~Semper Fi~
Thursday, April 28, 2011
My turn
I have told you some of the things that I went through in my first two post. From now on it will be all about me and how I am dealing with PTSD.
When you love your spouse with everything that you have and it seems like it is not enough it hurts. When my husband goes through these episodes I think to my self if I can just love him enough he will be ok. I feel very lost and don't know what to do. I tell me to leave even though I don't want him to and I ask him to stay. I know that he needs to leave and just get away so that he can calm down. I seems that know matter what I know that it is the PTSD that is causing everything.
I have been doing a lot of research and reading on Combat PTSD and according to the some studies we should have gotten a divorce a long time ago. I think that people just give up on people to easily. I will always stay by husband's side no matter what.
I think that there should be more awareness about combat PTSD and some where spouses can go. I wish the talk show that are nation wide would do a segment or show. I would love to go on a show and talk about Combat PTSD from my point of view. If people would care about the men and women who are dealing with this for a while. I know that my husband and his buddies where not the first one to have Combat PTSD they men who fought in the previous wars. I think that would help a lot of people thinking that there is no one around me who is dealing with the same thing. I have taught myself a lot by reading about it. I am on a mission to help people who feel the same way I do. I feel that this is my path that God is showing to go. I know with my husband on one side and god on the my other side I can do anything.
There were sometimes when I feel so helpless and don't know what to do. I just would write it out on paper and then tear up the paper and through it away. It made me feel good at the time but I never forgot about it. I have to talked to my husband about talking to people about it before but he said that I should tell anyone. Now that we have talked about it we both came to the conclusion that talking about it is the best way for both of us to handle it.
Please pass the word about my blog to everyone you know. They might know someone who it could help. I welcome all kind of comments. I would be very intrested in what everyone thinks as they read my posts.
If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask them and I will answer them honestly. Some answers might not be pretty but it all depends on the questions.
When you love your spouse with everything that you have and it seems like it is not enough it hurts. When my husband goes through these episodes I think to my self if I can just love him enough he will be ok. I feel very lost and don't know what to do. I tell me to leave even though I don't want him to and I ask him to stay. I know that he needs to leave and just get away so that he can calm down. I seems that know matter what I know that it is the PTSD that is causing everything.
I have been doing a lot of research and reading on Combat PTSD and according to the some studies we should have gotten a divorce a long time ago. I think that people just give up on people to easily. I will always stay by husband's side no matter what.
I think that there should be more awareness about combat PTSD and some where spouses can go. I wish the talk show that are nation wide would do a segment or show. I would love to go on a show and talk about Combat PTSD from my point of view. If people would care about the men and women who are dealing with this for a while. I know that my husband and his buddies where not the first one to have Combat PTSD they men who fought in the previous wars. I think that would help a lot of people thinking that there is no one around me who is dealing with the same thing. I have taught myself a lot by reading about it. I am on a mission to help people who feel the same way I do. I feel that this is my path that God is showing to go. I know with my husband on one side and god on the my other side I can do anything.
There were sometimes when I feel so helpless and don't know what to do. I just would write it out on paper and then tear up the paper and through it away. It made me feel good at the time but I never forgot about it. I have to talked to my husband about talking to people about it before but he said that I should tell anyone. Now that we have talked about it we both came to the conclusion that talking about it is the best way for both of us to handle it.
Please pass the word about my blog to everyone you know. They might know someone who it could help. I welcome all kind of comments. I would be very intrested in what everyone thinks as they read my posts.
If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask them and I will answer them honestly. Some answers might not be pretty but it all depends on the questions.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Next few years with Combat PTSD from my point of view
The next few weeks it was the same more yelling, tossing and turning. While he was over there he wrote home about how much that he was ready to be a daddy and I was excited to hear that! I was ready to be a mommy! While I was telling family and friends they said he was bit by the baby bug. I think a lot of guys in the same platoon was also.
He came home in August form Iraq and by September I was pregnant! We were very excited and nervous! We took the classes on base one was Baby Boot Camp which was just like a lamaze class just military style! We also wen to Budgeting for Baby which we learned how much we should start saving so when our little ones was here we would have enough for diapers and all other baby needs. While all this was going on he was also trying to decide if he was going to get out or stay in.
In January 2004 I moved back to Texas with my daddy since our little was going to be here in June 2004! I came back to find a new OB and find a hospital to have the baby at. We talked almost everyday while he was not on duty. One of his good buddies moved in with him so that they both would have someone to talk to and share the rent. It was very expensive to live in Cali.
He got out in May 2004 and came home to Texas. I knew that there was something off about him but at the time I had no idea what PTSD was. While he was home he turned to alcohol to drowned out off the memories and flashbacks from Iraq. It was only a couple more weeks for our little girl was going to be born and he was drinking heavily. I sat down with him and we talked about his drinking. Not only was he drinking to drowned out the memories but also he just wanted to be numb for a while. Alcohol was just a quick fix and was never long term. We talked about him stopping or at least slowing down. I understood why he was drinking and wanted to feel numb. They all saw and done things that no of us will ever do or see.
He did go to college and got a good job. When I mentioned the anything about getting help from the VA. He would say that he doesn't need it and he is just fine. I knew that he was not fine.He would always change the subject but I knew that he was just to ask. Plus he is a Marine they don't ever ask for help. right?..wrong.
In 2008 we had our second baby which was a boy on my husband's birthday. He finally decided that he would go to the VA for help. He went to the counseling sessions but it was a joke. He brought home a notebook and he had to fill out worksheets. He started to take a pill once a day that seem to be helping him. The fighting between us had started going away and we were getting closer again. Well about as close as you can get with someone with PTSD. If you have a husband or if you are a vet with PTSD then you know it is hard to get close to someone.
In 2009 welcomed our third baby she was born the day after his birthday. We were having a discussion about something later on in the year and something happened and he snapped. We both started yelling, it got physical and then he took off his wedding ring and said it was over. He walked out of the house got in our car and left. He was gone for 3 hours. I didn't know where he was or what he was doing. All I do was figure out what set him off. Dose he have a new trigger? What did I miss? I didn't know what to do but my 2 major concerns were him and out babies. Also how do I keep our family together? How would I pay the bills if he really did leave? I didn't have a job at the time. When he did come back home he was very clam and different in a good way. I came to realize that him leaving was a good thing.It gave him time to clam down and think. I asked him what it was like when he just goes off? He said "It feels like I stepped out of my body and I am watching a horror movie. I loose control over everything and I can't help myself.". I know that sounds scary and it is for both of us. We have had some pretty ugly and physical fights and I always felt alone. I didn't have anyone to turn to. I didn't want anyone to think that I was crazy for staying with him and since no one understood PTSD. Then how would they understand what I was going through. The only person was my daddy. He passed away in November 2007. He was always there for me. My husband also talked to him about things that were going on with him. My daddy was just the type of great guy who was always there for everyone. I think that not only did it effect me when my daddy passed aways but my husband also since he talked to him.
Now when we fight was holding it all in when anyone would ask if I was ok and I would say yes just fine. When inside I was dying to talk to someone about everything going on. Now I have talked to his mom and dad about it. At first my husband was upset with me about talking to them but now he understand that they love and care about him. Everyone just wants to help him out.
When you are fighting and you love one goes to that dark, dark place. Always know that they do love you and be there for them it doesn't matter what is done or said! They need you always! After the fight is over and you both clam down talk to each other. If you love each other this is very important if want to stay together! Trust me it dose help!
We live out toward the country and I don't have have anyone that is going through this like me. My only outlets are social networks and e-mailing other wives. I do have some friends that are great listeners. I am so tired of holding on to this all by myself. I feel like I am going to explode and I know that God wants me to be a voice for everyone who feels alone! I am here! I am a Marine Grunt Wife who has been through Hell and survived! We are a family dealing with PTSD and we love each other very much! Living with PTSD and having a family can be done! We are proof!
He came home in August form Iraq and by September I was pregnant! We were very excited and nervous! We took the classes on base one was Baby Boot Camp which was just like a lamaze class just military style! We also wen to Budgeting for Baby which we learned how much we should start saving so when our little ones was here we would have enough for diapers and all other baby needs. While all this was going on he was also trying to decide if he was going to get out or stay in.
In January 2004 I moved back to Texas with my daddy since our little was going to be here in June 2004! I came back to find a new OB and find a hospital to have the baby at. We talked almost everyday while he was not on duty. One of his good buddies moved in with him so that they both would have someone to talk to and share the rent. It was very expensive to live in Cali.
He got out in May 2004 and came home to Texas. I knew that there was something off about him but at the time I had no idea what PTSD was. While he was home he turned to alcohol to drowned out off the memories and flashbacks from Iraq. It was only a couple more weeks for our little girl was going to be born and he was drinking heavily. I sat down with him and we talked about his drinking. Not only was he drinking to drowned out the memories but also he just wanted to be numb for a while. Alcohol was just a quick fix and was never long term. We talked about him stopping or at least slowing down. I understood why he was drinking and wanted to feel numb. They all saw and done things that no of us will ever do or see.
He did go to college and got a good job. When I mentioned the anything about getting help from the VA. He would say that he doesn't need it and he is just fine. I knew that he was not fine.He would always change the subject but I knew that he was just to ask. Plus he is a Marine they don't ever ask for help. right?..wrong.
In 2008 we had our second baby which was a boy on my husband's birthday. He finally decided that he would go to the VA for help. He went to the counseling sessions but it was a joke. He brought home a notebook and he had to fill out worksheets. He started to take a pill once a day that seem to be helping him. The fighting between us had started going away and we were getting closer again. Well about as close as you can get with someone with PTSD. If you have a husband or if you are a vet with PTSD then you know it is hard to get close to someone.
In 2009 welcomed our third baby she was born the day after his birthday. We were having a discussion about something later on in the year and something happened and he snapped. We both started yelling, it got physical and then he took off his wedding ring and said it was over. He walked out of the house got in our car and left. He was gone for 3 hours. I didn't know where he was or what he was doing. All I do was figure out what set him off. Dose he have a new trigger? What did I miss? I didn't know what to do but my 2 major concerns were him and out babies. Also how do I keep our family together? How would I pay the bills if he really did leave? I didn't have a job at the time. When he did come back home he was very clam and different in a good way. I came to realize that him leaving was a good thing.It gave him time to clam down and think. I asked him what it was like when he just goes off? He said "It feels like I stepped out of my body and I am watching a horror movie. I loose control over everything and I can't help myself.". I know that sounds scary and it is for both of us. We have had some pretty ugly and physical fights and I always felt alone. I didn't have anyone to turn to. I didn't want anyone to think that I was crazy for staying with him and since no one understood PTSD. Then how would they understand what I was going through. The only person was my daddy. He passed away in November 2007. He was always there for me. My husband also talked to him about things that were going on with him. My daddy was just the type of great guy who was always there for everyone. I think that not only did it effect me when my daddy passed aways but my husband also since he talked to him.
Now when we fight was holding it all in when anyone would ask if I was ok and I would say yes just fine. When inside I was dying to talk to someone about everything going on. Now I have talked to his mom and dad about it. At first my husband was upset with me about talking to them but now he understand that they love and care about him. Everyone just wants to help him out.
When you are fighting and you love one goes to that dark, dark place. Always know that they do love you and be there for them it doesn't matter what is done or said! They need you always! After the fight is over and you both clam down talk to each other. If you love each other this is very important if want to stay together! Trust me it dose help!
We live out toward the country and I don't have have anyone that is going through this like me. My only outlets are social networks and e-mailing other wives. I do have some friends that are great listeners. I am so tired of holding on to this all by myself. I feel like I am going to explode and I know that God wants me to be a voice for everyone who feels alone! I am here! I am a Marine Grunt Wife who has been through Hell and survived! We are a family dealing with PTSD and we love each other very much! Living with PTSD and having a family can be done! We are proof!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Hello all! I have created this blog to help spouses out like me. I am a wife to an Iraqi Freedom Vet with Combat PTSD! I know that life is not a bed of roses with PTSD! If you are a spouse and have a support group that you go to great! I am not that lucky. I met my husband in our Junior year of high school and we have been together ever since! This blog is about the not so great, the ugly and the bad is loving someone with Combat PTSD form my point of view! I am hoping that I can help at least one person or a marriage out there! We have been dealing with Combat PTSD since September 2003 and he didn't get help until 2008. Yes, my husband is a Marine and was to proud to ask for help. He thought that he didn't need help because he was numbing himself with alcohol. He has stopped drinking heavy since 2008 and every now and then he will have one beer.
I know that someone reading this who is not dealing with Combat PTSD spouse might be thinking that I am crazy for staying with my husband. No one can really understand it unless they are living it. I LOVE and CARE about my husband to much to walk or run away from him! The divorce rate for combat Ptsd vets is very high.
Being the wife I have duties to know what my husband's triggers are such as some t.v. shows, movies and others. Some times he has new triggers and I have to keep an eye out. I sometimes feel like a mother hen. I just don't want him to have nightmares. Flashbacks will always be there since PTSD can never go fully away. People just know how to control it. My husband just keeps his mind busy with other things as much as he can.
The day that he came home from the war was very hard on both of us. I was very excited that he was back home but I could tell that something was very different. That night while I was trying to go to sleep I heard him yelling and tossing around. The next morning he was so tired from having so many nightmares. This week on for a little while. One night I rolled over and was going to put my arm around him. Before I could get my arm around him he jumped up and had his hands around my throat. I did everything that I could to wake him up. When he was wake I asked him what was going through you mind and he said"I thought that you were an Iraqi trying to grab my bullets.". He felt so bad. I told him that I was ok and that I still love him very much. The next couple of days I slept on the couch so we could avoid anything else. I knew then that my high school sweetheart that I fell in love with was gone and the Combat Vet with PTSD was my new future. It was like meeting him all over again. It was very hard in the begging.
We did go to a couple's debriefing but it was more of a joke than anything. At least we got a laugh out of it! He got out in 2004 and he can get help through the VA but as a spouse there is no where for me to go.
I hope you enjoyed reading my blog. Please feel free to post a reply and tell everyone who might be going through anything like this.
I know that someone reading this who is not dealing with Combat PTSD spouse might be thinking that I am crazy for staying with my husband. No one can really understand it unless they are living it. I LOVE and CARE about my husband to much to walk or run away from him! The divorce rate for combat Ptsd vets is very high.
Being the wife I have duties to know what my husband's triggers are such as some t.v. shows, movies and others. Some times he has new triggers and I have to keep an eye out. I sometimes feel like a mother hen. I just don't want him to have nightmares. Flashbacks will always be there since PTSD can never go fully away. People just know how to control it. My husband just keeps his mind busy with other things as much as he can.
The day that he came home from the war was very hard on both of us. I was very excited that he was back home but I could tell that something was very different. That night while I was trying to go to sleep I heard him yelling and tossing around. The next morning he was so tired from having so many nightmares. This week on for a little while. One night I rolled over and was going to put my arm around him. Before I could get my arm around him he jumped up and had his hands around my throat. I did everything that I could to wake him up. When he was wake I asked him what was going through you mind and he said"I thought that you were an Iraqi trying to grab my bullets.". He felt so bad. I told him that I was ok and that I still love him very much. The next couple of days I slept on the couch so we could avoid anything else. I knew then that my high school sweetheart that I fell in love with was gone and the Combat Vet with PTSD was my new future. It was like meeting him all over again. It was very hard in the begging.
We did go to a couple's debriefing but it was more of a joke than anything. At least we got a laugh out of it! He got out in 2004 and he can get help through the VA but as a spouse there is no where for me to go.
I hope you enjoyed reading my blog. Please feel free to post a reply and tell everyone who might be going through anything like this.
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